I don’t know why this piece on the absurdity of marketers popped into my head, but as soon as it did, I thought I could have some fun with it.

Here goes, if marketers ruled the world:

1. Every form of art or entertainment would be an ad for something. Musicians would have title sponsors, and corporate-titled band names, and art would all have subtle product placements. On the upside, artists afford ketchup for their mac and cheese.
2. You would know everything about everybody – no privacy. Call, text, or email anyone you want, any time, no holds barred. And then you’d notice that since you bought Viagra last night, you’d get Trojan coupons before the weekend.
3. All your possessions would be branded. You’d be wearing and promoting labels not just on clothing, but prominently on everything from your pets, to your garden or even tattoos. Maybe we wouldn’t even call things by their generic names, “that’s my designer-bred dog, Gucci.” Funny enough, my sister-in-law had a dog called Gucci. They now have one called Bentley.
4. You’d have extreme brand loyalty. Like, you wouldn’t be seen riding in a designer car without matching designer sunglasses. It’d be like political parties – stick with a brand to your dying day, and argue about it until the family becomes warring factions. That reminds me of my grandmother, who used to vote for the opposite of whomever my grandfather voted for, just to cancel him out.
5. Your doorbell, phone and inbox would always be deluged with marketing. Everybody would want to live under a rock, or out in far rural areas, to avoid humanity. Maybe then some pretty songbirds would move back into the city.
6. Signs and ads would be legal everywhere. Every lawn and roadside would be promoting anything and everything, no limits. Of course the drug makers would afford the biggest budgets, because their customers are hooked. The legal disclaimers wouldn’t exist, side effects would have to be word of mouth, if you live to tell about them.
7. Socializing would get weird. Imagine if every employee of a company was somehow bent to marketing – like they all got a commission on the leads they referred. You’d head out for a night on the town to make some friends, but instead, everyone is there to sell you something. Oh, that was the last dinner party I attended. The food’s never free, people.
8. We’d be more in debt than we have ever been in the history of human kind. Not just at the government level, but at the personal, leveraged-up-to-the-hilt on the credit card level. Dang, tell me that’s not every family in Canada.
9. We’d cease to be healthy. Because the marketers would be selling so much packaged foods, we’d all need to buy those fancy drugs to just eke out an existence. Then you’re back to the word of mouth problem.
10. Local businesses…gone. Any business that couldn’t afford to market themselves to the hilt would be dead in a matter of months, because global competitors would rank highest online, stealing all the sales. And since COVID, tell me that hasn’t happened. In droves.

Now that I’ve written this, I’m thinking that if this marketing dystopia is “threat level midnight” (I’ve watched a lot of The Office over the years – ha) then look at the time – it must be getting close to about eleven-thirty.

Do marketers rule the world? Lord help us, we are getting dang close.

If you own or operate a business and need the marketing savvy of a team who “helps the good guys win” – give us a call. We are marketers, but we’re the good kind.